I'll admit I have many cultural blindspots. I know next to nothing about Taylor Swift's past relationships, and I have never tried on a pair of lululemon leggings. The "Real Housewives" franchise? Couldn't get into it. The proliferation of air fryers? Can't say I've ever seen one in-person. But my one shortcoming that stings the most? The fact that I have never—and I mean never—watched a Hallmark Christmas movie.
You read that right. In all my years, I've somehow missed out on literally the most popular event of the cable TV calendar: Hallmark's annual Countdown to Christmas. I've seen non-Christmas Hallmark romances like this year's "Guiding Emily" and the network's flagship series "When Calls the Heart." I've even interviewed fan-favorite Hallmark stars Ryan Paevey and Paul Campbell. I know all the major players in the Hallmark stable, have tasted Hallmark Channel wines and once seriously considered playing the Hallmark Christmas movie drinking game. But my boots-on-the-snowy-ground experience with the real thing begins and ends with a few movie trailers.
I figured it was high time I remedy that long-aching guilt, join the jolly hordes (among them Blake and Gwen) this holiday season and finally sit down to watch my first Hallmark Christmas movie. And I chose a banger for the occasion: Lacey Chabert's 2014 romance "A Royal Christmas," about a Philadelphia seamstress whose boyfriend (played by Stephen Hagan) is secretly a prince. I picked this one for a few key reasons. (1) It's roundly beloved, (2) the Jane Seymour OBE also stars and (3) I, too, have had a hankering for Cinderella stories since Kate Middleton's wedding to Prince William rocked my middle school mind.
Then there's the Lacey element, of course. She delivered one of the greatest comedic performances of the 21st century as Gretchen Wieners in "Mean Girls" and now stands as Hallmark's most prolific holiday actress. She's basically a mogul, and Hallmark is an American (but also Canadian?) institution. So I did actually make some hot cocoa, fire up Hallmark Movies Now and open my laptop to jot down all the thoughts and feelings that raged through my head and heart along the way.
And you know what? It felt like quality me-time. Behold, my first Hallmark Christmas movie reaction:
Hallmark
- Lacey is saying "original, homemade buttermilk pancakes" but all I'm hearing is "really expensive white gold hoops."
- We're not two minutes in and already there's Walmart and Folgers product placement. God, I miss cable TV.
- How are these girls affording this apartment?
- The retro red fridge with the checker tile... chef's kiss.
- Ah, it's December 18th. Exactly one week before Christmas, just as my research foretold.
- We love an aspiring clothing designer who hasn't sold any clothing yet!
- And a doofy British boyfriend.
- Wait, aren't we in Philadelphia? Papa Taylor is serving the deepest Brooklyn accent ever.
- Seriously, this is way more "Sopranos" than "Mare of Easttown."
- Taylor's Tailor Shop. Cute.
- How many men have gotten down on one knee in the middle of Chez Louis? Show us the data.
- I LOL'd at Are you married? "No, I'm a prince!"
- Leo the pancake-lover is actually Prince Leopold of Cordinia. I'm all in.
- How has Lacey never heard of Cordinia, the small sovereign state in the south of France with the hot prince?
- And just like that, we're off to Cordinia! Honestly, I appreciate that we got the build-up out of the way. SHOW US THE CASTLE!
- Yes! We're doing Peles Castle in Romania, where Netflix's "A Christmas Prince" was filmed.
- Okay, Jane Seymour OBE is here in a perfect chignon absolutely destroying her servants. Queen!
- "The tea is tepid." Jane Seymour invented the letter "t" with that line delivery.
- Lacey's sequined beanie is giving me horrific 2010s flashbacks.
- "Your majestiness"? Get her, Jane!
- Hah. Put her in the room farthest away from Leopold's. Get your mind out of the gutter, Hallmark! (Lest we confuse you for Lifetime.)
- Head butler Victor is down bad for Jane.
- Are you a nepo baby if you inherited the role of head butler from your father?
- Jane calls her a commoner and Leopold says she's "the most uncommon girl he's ever known" and I can't laugh because no one has ever said anything so sweet about me.
- Ah, so Queen mama Jane Isadora Seymour OBE wanted him to marry this Natasha (almost always a villain name). It's getting juicy.
- The way Lacey's digging into that octopus... As my dad would say, "Tear it up!"
- Literally everyone is slipping and sliding on that weapons room floor. Pretty lax safety standards in Cordinia, if you ask me.
- The star-crossed couple waltzes together as the help watches adoringly from the rafters. Classic.
- The worst lightning storm you've ever seen and Lacey's like, "I'm hungry." Girl, forget the octopus and get to the bunker now!
- Where in the Sam Hill did Jane Seymour come from?! Is her bedroom connected to the armory? Is she capable of teleportation? What are the physical laws of this universe?
- Either jail time or a Nobel Peace Prize for whoever wrote "mi castle es su castle." I can't decide.
- Yup, Natasha's here and she's a gorgeous menace. Pity if she took a tumble down those stairs...
- How long did they make Lacey wear that face mask?
- Oof. The dinner scene. 1-0 for Jane.
- I'm calling it now: Galina is gonna adopt Poppy.
- "I'm still Leo from Philly." You're not from Philly, son!
- Hot take, but head butler Victor has it all over Leo any day.
- Oh, the staircase entrance! A much-needed win for our girl.
- Nope. Disaster. She gets the servants fired for making a hoagie. Not worth it, IMO.
- Leo's kind of a dud though, right?
- Even Natasha seems sick of him. She's only doing this for the bit.
- The rejection scene... this is why Lacey Chabert is Lacey Chabert. No one does heartbroken but gracious better.
- Queen Jane Isadora Dr. Quinn Seymour Medicine Woman OBE serving face while eavesdropping.
- Jane reverses course and plots her reunion with head butler Victor. This is the crucial subplot most of the Netflix royal Christmas movies are lacking!
- This man has the gumption to show up outside her father's establishment when he basically ignored her for a week?
- Oh, Jane has literally let her hair down. It's coming.
- Walking down the aisle to "O, Come All Ye Faithful?" So, like, they got married literally the next day?
- "It's a Cordinian Christmas miracle" is the funniest thing anyone could ever say.
- Not me feeling weepy when Toni hands Lacey's dad the hanky. Hallmark, you dogs!
- Okay, I could definitely do this again.
