Halloween won't be able to hold off the Christmas season much longer. Plastic Christmas trees and animatronic singing Santas are already edging their way onto store shelves, and in a few week's time, the dam will break and every commercial will be advertising a holiday special, every radio station will be playing Mariah Carey's "All I Want For Christmas Is You" ad nauseam. And we've got the perfect gift for everyone on your list, young and old. The best part? It won't cost you a dime.
What is this magical present that's sure to delight and costs zero dollars? No, it isn't a drum solo. We're talking about jokes. Punny, silly jokes sure to make kids laugh, teens groan, and dads give you a nod of approval. We've got goofs about gingerbread men. Gags about elves. Puns about reindeer. And laughs about Ol' Saint Nick.
Regardless of where you spend this Christmas and whom you spend it with, these jokes are guaranteed to sleigh (I promise they'll get better from here). Scroll through the dozens of zingers we've painstakingly curated from the internet's best pun-dits and bank a handful of your favorites to whip out at the perfect moment this holiday season.
- What's every elf's favorite type of music? Wrap!
- What do you call Santa when he stops moving? Santa Pause.
- What falls at the North Pole and never gets hurt? Snow!
- Why did Rudolph have to attend summer school? Because he went down in history.
- How do you wash your hands over the holiday? With Santatizer.
- Why are Christmas trees bad at sewing? Because they always drop their needles!
- How does Rudolph know when Christmas is coming? He refers to his calen-deer.
- What does Santa suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney? Claustrophobia.
- What do they sing at a snowman's birthday party? Freeze a jolly good fellow!
- What do you call an elf that runs away from Santa's workshop? A rebel without a Claus!
- What do snowmen eat for dessert? Ice crispies.
- How did Scrooge win the football game? The ghost of Christmas passed.
- Why don't reindeer like picnics? Because of all their ant-lures.
- What is every parent's favorite Christmas song? Silent Night!
- What do grapes sing at Christmas? 'Tis the season to be jelly.
- Where do Santa's reindeer stop for coffee? Star-bucks!
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- What's the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet? The Christmas alphabet has Noel.
- What did the gingerbread man put on his bed? A cookie sheet!
- What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.
- What is it called when a snowman has a temper tantrum? A meltdown.
- What do Santa's elves learn in school? The elf-abet.
- Why do Christmas trees like the past so much? Because the present's beneath them.
- What did one Christmas tree say to another? Lighten up!
- What did Santa say when he stepped into a big puddle? It must have reindeer.
- What does Rudolph want for Christmas? A Pony sleigh station.
- What's the absolute best Christmas present? A broken drum — you can't beat it!
- What do you call an obnoxious reindeer? Rude-olph.
- Who is never hungry at Christmas? The turkey—he's always stuffed.
- What brand of motorcycle does Santa ride? Holly Davidson.
- What do you call a snowman with a six-pack? The abdominal snowman.
- How does a snowman lose weight? He waits for the weather to get warmer!
- What did one snowman say to the other snowman? Do you smell carrots?
- What is Santa's dog's name? Santa Paws!
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- How do sheep wish each other happy holidays? "Merry Christmas to ewe."
- How did the ornament get addicted to Christmas? He was hooked on trees his whole life.
- What reindeer game do reindeer play at sleepovers? Truth or deer.
- What happens if you eat Christmas decorations? You get tinsel-it is.
- How do you help someone who has lost their Christmas spirit? Nurse them back to elf.
- What do snowmen eat for dessert? Ice crispies.
- Why are elves such great motivational speakers? They have plenty of elf-confidence.
- What do you call a reindeer ghost? Cari-boo!
- What did the beaver say when it saw the Christmas tree? "Nice gnawing you."
- Who is Santa's favorite singer? Elf-is Presley.
- What did Santa ask Rudolph when he wanted to ask about the condition of the weather? He asked, "Do you think it will rain, dear?"
- How does Santa Claus keep track of every fireplace he has already visited? Well, he keeps a log.
- Why did the Grinch decide to go to the haunted house the other day? Because he was searching for the holiday spirit.
- What type of cars do the elves of Santa Claus drive? Toy-otas.
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- What is an elf's favorite candy? Orna-mints!
- How does a sheep say Merry Christmas? "Fleece Navidad!"
- What did Santa say at the start of the race? "Ready, set, ho ho ho!"
- Why did the gingerbread man go to the doctor? He was feeling crummy.
- If an athlete gets athlete's foot, what does an elf get? Mistle toe!
- What happens to naughty elves? They get the sack!
- What do you call an old snowman? A puddle!
- What does Santa eat for breakfast? Mistle toast!
- What's red, white, and blue at Christmas time? A sad candy cane!
- Why does this turkey taste like an old sofa? I thought you liked stuffing!
- When is a boat just like snow? When it's adrift!
- How do snowmen get around? They ride an icicle!
- How do you scare a snowman? With a hairdryer!
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