Food & Drink

1-Star Yelp Reviews of Texas BBQ Joints By People Who Have No Chill

Flickr/T. Seng

If ever there were one single website to exemplify the “everyone’s a critic” motto, it’s Yelp — which invites everyone to, well, be a critic. Most Yelp users recognize the site as a chance to share their love for a local dive (food or otherwise). Some people use it as a chance to air their well-founded grievances with an establishment. And unfortunately, some users get drunk with their faux Yelp power and demand free stuff, lest they release their untamed wrath of one-star Yelp vengeance (*gasp*).

But for the rest of us, Yelp is quickly becoming a source of entertainment. A while back we posted some hilarious one-star Yelp reviews of famous Texas locations. Well, guess what? The Yelpers are back, and now they’re after our BBQ.

While these Texas BBQ joints have received praise from national publications to international television, that just ain’t good enough for some folks. Here to prove you can’t please all the people all the time: one-star Yelp reviews of critically acclaimed Texas BBQ restaurants.

Spoiler alert: contrary to what you’ve heard, none of the BBQ in Lockhart is good, apparently.

Snow’s BBQ — Lexington

Flickr/Joshua Bousel
Flickr/Joshua Bousel

Negative marks for the potty mouth, but kudos for inventing the word “Snowjobbed” and working in a Texas Chainsaw Massacre mention in there. To this reviewer’s credit, we hope nobody has been farting on the meat, too.

11/14/2015

You’ve been Snowjobbed.
That’s the phrase for all of us who drove out to Lexington to have money sucked off thanks to the insanity of the BBQ HYPE MACHINE.
Christ all Friday. The women at the counter were not nice. And not even trying. When you see the electric carving knife just walk the **** out. Please. I made this mistake at Blacks. Great BBQ spots have somebody carving with a real knife. Not some vibrator with an edge. Mueller, Franklin. Both the real champs of Austin Area BBQ. No doubt. The rest is pure silly sauce. Brisket is ok. Not too moist, and not trimmed, so be ready to eat a shield of pure fat. Ribs? WTF. Worse than Chilis. Holy Man. Tough, not a good bark, and under seasoned. Turkey, well you can imagine the world of dry I sucked on that one. Sausage? They need to really rework this piece of dong. Mealy as all get out. Grainy, like the film stock Texas Chainsaw was filmed on. Pure 16mm blow-up here. I hope Tootsie hasn’t been farting on the meat. Because this place really stinks.

Mike Anderson’s BBQ House — Dallas

An insulting rib-jab, indeed! What a life achievement if the most you’ve ever been insulted was by a food portion. You’ve had it well, my friend. Perhaps this Yelper should try ordering double portions instead of potions next time.

7/10/2013

Today is 7-10-13. My friends and I have visited Mike Anderson’s BBQ many times. We love the people and definitely the food. I was very upset at the portions of meat that was served today. I ordered a double potion of ribs and was only given 3 bones. My friend ordered a single potion of ribs and was only given ONE rib bone. I have never been so insulted in my life. I have never received this type of treatment ever in the past. The server’s excuse was that the ribs were big. That was a lie! When have you ever seen a BIG FAT pork rib? I could see if I ordered some beef ribs. Anyway, as much as I love M.A. BBQ, I felt like I had to give it one star. For what my meal cost $31, for a small potato, 1 sausage link, 3 rib bones plus drink. my friend had a small potato, double potion of chop beef, 1 rib bone plus drink. Please!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Kreuz Market — Lockhart

Well at least the lemonade was great. And you can never underestimate a good glass of water.

9/4/2015

Lemonade was great and water was good.  Best two things on the menu.  Beef rib had a pronounced soapy taste but was tender.  It’s really hard to screw up sausage.  Mission accomplished.  Brisket? To be kind….it was fair.  Pork rib was the best meat (not saying much) as it had the least obnoxious flavor. Don’t waste your time.

John Mueller Meat Company — Austin

Flickr/F.D. Richards
Flickr/F.D. Richards

 

Apparently June 2nd, 2014 is a day that will live in Mueller Meat Company infamy — because they didn’t open that day, and Yelp let them know about it. But while this would-be customer ends the review with, “Ain’t nobody got time for that,” the earlier quip about driving 14 hours overnight from Phoenix to get there in time would suggest that maybe, just maybe, you do got time for that.

6/2/2014

I wanted to look past all the negative stigma behind the name, prepared myself for rude and abrasive.  I knew there was a possibility it the years of waiting to make it here (or any of the previous business attempts) would be left disappointed by mediocrity  but I kept hope and we drove the 14 hours overnight from Phoenix and arrived just in time to catch the near-front of the line, that’s right…line!  Another glint of hope in the cataract riddled eye. I kept smelling wafts of delicious pepper crusted brisket in waves, which were questioned a bit when the time between them increased exponentially but nonetheless, we were here to eat some great goddamn bbq.  The line started getting friendly with itself and jokes were thrown around between groups.  The mood was light but attentive on the gate.  Two minutes til midnig…opening time and our stomachs grumbled louder with the seconds.  10:29 a.m. and a few seconds left!  10:30!  The hour is upon us!  Unleash the chains and open the flood gates!       …crickets…    They didn’t open.  In fact, they never opened at all.  A customers time, and a whole line of them at that, is just as important as the business owners.  With the incredible selection of bbq in and around Austin, in the ever present words of a wise woman: “Ain’t nobody got time for that.”

Black’s BBQ — Lockhart

heatheronhertravels.com
heatheronhertravels.com

One word for you, Black’s: SHAME. On the plus side, at least you won an award!

11/27/2010

SHAME AWARD of the YEAR.  Food was unedible. SHAME. The guys serving the meat KNEW how bad it was, but figured on serving it anyway. SHAME. Meat was real cold, brisket was harder than leather and the ribs had a taste of rotten meat.  SHAME.  NEVER again will my family,friends or I go back or refer Black’s to anyone. Just awful.  Shame on you guys for serving that disgusting and vial fodder to patrons.  SERIOUSLY folks, don’t waste the drive, money or time to be served here.  Also I see we are not the only ones that have had this experience.

Cooper’s Old Time Pit BBQ — Llano

Sir, I think this review is evidence enough to suggest they would not serve you “loquar” even if they offered it.

4/9/2015

Can’t say how there food is but 92.5 did bike night Thursday April 9th & they do not serve loquar. Beer only so for some of us that do not drink beer it wasn’t worth staying .

Pecan Lodge — Dallas

Listen lady, that unborn kid needs to wait like the rest of us.

8/2/2015

Waitress was rude as hell, wouldn’t let my sister sit down until she ordered, you didn’t see her baby? Moron!!!!

Salt Lick BBQ — Austin

Flickr/Anthony Quintano
Flickr/Anthony Quintano

Salt Lick likes to say “You can smell our pits for miles,” but we smell a troll on this review…well played.

5/15/2007

THIS IS THE BEST BBQ IN EVAR!!11

No, I’m not just saying that to keep you fools from congesting my favorite places.

Smitty’s — Lockhart

Another one of those worthless Lockhart barbecue spots that gets one star because the person didn’t actually get to eat there. Starting your Yelp review with, “I don’t want to rate this place,” is the equivalent of saying, “Needless to say,” and then saying that needless thing. But in the end, you made this reviewer very, very sad, Smitty. Very sad.

3/28/2010

I don’t want to rate this place because I didn’t get a chance to eat here….. but I just have to ask: WHO CLOSES AT 6PM ON A SATURDAY?!!?

that’s all I have to say. I was very very sad I didn’t get to try this place.

Chisholm Trail BBQ — Lockhart

Make a habit of drinking starter fluid, do you?

12/15/2015

When my family went there to eat the meat all tasted like charcoal starter fluid. I don’t even know if they use starter fluid but that’s the taste it was on the meat. I would not return to that place.

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1-Star Yelp Reviews of Texas BBQ Joints By People Who Have No Chill