Howdy, my fellow Texans. This is Nick Bridwell with Wide Open Country, live from Kyle Field where 102,512 Texans anxiously await an event that will go down in Texas History!
After watching a particularly entertaining gladiatorial battle on this season of Game of Thrones, President George W. Bush has called for a Texas College Mascot Showdown. He’s picked five schools and he’s ordered these animals (not people dressed up in animal costumes) to fight to the death for the glory and privilege of being named “The Best Damn Texas Mascot Ever”.
1 UT Longhorn
12 A&M Collies
1 University of North Texas Eagle
1 Baylor Bear
1 Texas Tech Masked Rider
All eyes shift to President as he lifts his rifle to fire the shot that will start the games.
Enter the mascots!
The Baylor Bear has kick-started the battle by charging the A&M Collies.
This Bear might be Baptist, but he ain’t afraid to dance. It’s like he’s doing the Macarena as he swats the little Lassies away one swift stroke of his mighty paw at a time.
The UNT Eagle glides past this fight and toward another.
Downfield, around the Home Team 20, The Texas Tech Masked Rider is circling around the UT Longhorn. That Masked Rider has a six-shooter, so he has six tries to take down the bull.
But what’s this?
The Longhorn charges. And again! And again! He’s trying to skewer the Masked Rider with his horns! This Austin native might have been smoking the grass instead of eating it, though, because he just can’t seem to hit his target!
Back at the opposite end of the field, six of the 12 collies have been slain by the Baylor Bear. The other six are now trying a new technique. They’ve fled downfield, where they’re now circling the UT Longhorn.
The Masked Rider must see something in the A&M technique, because he’s backing away.
Am I seeing this right? The A&M collies are now herding the Texas Longhorn across the field and straight toward the Baylor Bear! Now the Longhorn has the Bear backed into a corner.
The Longhorn Rushes the 300-lb, furry matador! The Bear leaps at the Longhorn’s neck! I see blood!
Oh, no! The UT Longhorn has toppled over on some of the remaining A&M Collies and he’s not moving!
This gives the Masked Rider the chance he’s been waiting for. He trots up to the UT Longhorn and shoots him dead! And then he shoots the Aggie dogs dead, too.
The Longhorns and Aggies seem to be out of the game!
“BOOO,” cry the Longhorn and Aggie crowd, finally united in their disdain for a common enemy!
The Masked Rider shoots one of the A&M collies again for good measure!
What a scoundrel! That red dirt loving scoundrel!
Look there! What’s that shadow on the field?
It’s the Mean Green Eagle! He’s diving from on high to attack his prey. But who will it be: The Bear or the Masked Rider?
The Eagle has gone into a feathered frenzy and is viciously clawing away at The Masked Rider’s face!
The Masked Rider’s face is bleeding and his pistol has fallen to the grass below!
It doesn’t look like there’s much the Masked Rider’s horse can do now. Woody rises up on his back legs and neighs, but this does nothing to stop the Mean Green Eagle.
The Black Bear sees an opening! He rushes the horse and sinks his teeth into his front leg. Woody still has some fight left in him, though. He kicks the Black Bear and sends him flying back onto the dead body of the UT Longhorn. The Black Bear is impaled straight through his heart on the Longhorn’s horns!
He’s dead! The Baylor Bear is dead!
Woody’s seen better days, though. He falls over and with him goes the Masked Rider and the Mean Green Eagle!
The crowd goes silent as they wait to see who will rise from this dismal fall!
The Masked Rider is up and he’s found his pistol!
It appears that the UNT Eagle is unable to fly! No! The Eagle has a broken wing!
And now the Masked Rider is hovering over the Eagle preparing for the kill shot.
I can’t watch! First he’s shot the Aggie dogs and now he’s about to kill a wounded bird!
There’s a villain on Kyle Field!
And perhaps a hero!?
Was that a bark?
YES! It’s a bark!
The last Aggie Collie has emerged from the doggy pile downfield and is sprinting towards the Masked Rider. Just like Northgate on a Saturday night, an Aggie never backs down from a fight!
And look at that insignia on her bandana! That’s no ordinary pup, that’s Reveille, the Cadet General!
She’s on the 20, the 30, the 40!
Now she has the Masked Rider by the cuff of his pants and she’s dragging him all the way back to the end zone!
It’s touchdown A&M!
“WHOOP!” “GIG ‘EM!
The entire stadium is jumping up and down in the stands, but do they see what I see?
The Masked Rider is pulling out another pistol from his side. This might be the end of Reveille!
“CAWWWW!” Student loans are high, but the UNT Eagle has returned to pay his debt to dear Reveille for saving his life!
The Masked Rider and the Eagle are locked in deadly combat!
And then they aren’t.
The Masked Rider is dead, but so is the Eagle!
Reveille is going to her feathered friend to lick his beak. It’s a doggy’s way of saying thank you. The Eagle drifts away to that little Denton Square in the sky.
“Well, that does it,” The President says. “A&M wins.”
He goes to the field and finds Reveille. Then he places a gold medal around her neck. “I’d like to present Reveille the ‘Best Damn Texas College Mascot Ever Award’.”