These bro country clichés about the perfect woman are just too ridiculous for words.
If you’re a fan of modern country, then you’ve inevitably encountered the new male-dominated sub-genre known as bro country. Led by such wildly popular artists as Florida Georgia Line, Luke Bryan, and Jake Owen, bro country has young, good-looking men crooning about partying on the weekends. All these guys must be hanging out at the same pasture parties, because there seem to be a few common themes among these up-tempo hits.
Without further ado, let’s meet the ideal country woman, and the bros who created her:
1. She hangs out on tailgates.
Bro country singers always encounter sexy ladies hanging out on some tailgate. So… I guess someone forgot to bring the folding chairs. I’m looking at you, Luke Bryan.
2. She’s sipping moonshine.
Most of the bro country ballads mention wooing women with moonshine. Bonus points if it’s apple pie moonshine. If you’ve never had moonshine, imagine if a drink had the power to turn you into a sputtering, coughing, fire-breathing dragon. It may make you “feel right” but not until after it stops burning.
3. She loves dancing in the headlights.
Y’all, headlights are hot. And bright. Especially on a “Brand new Chevy with a lift-kit”. I tell you what, they shine right in your eyeballs at that height, but this is a theme in songs by Dustin Lynch, Luke Bryan and Florida Georgia Line just to name a few.
4. She’s always singing to the radio.
Like, why? Why do we need to sing along? I don’t know about y’all, but I think Tim McGraw sounds best without accompaniment. But he wants his shotgun rider singing to the radio. We can’t all be Faith Hill, Tim.
5. She always wears cutoff jeans.
I don’t know why it’s necessary for us to keep destroying our jeans, you can buy shorts and not have to alter them at all, but Brett Eldridge likes when you cut your own.
6. When she wants to dress up, she dons a sundress.
Blake Shelton likes when you pair a sundress with high heels. Odd fashion choices aside, it must be endless summer in bro country land, because none of them tend to sing about how sexy fleece jackets and scarves are. This may be the South, but we have winter too, and you’d better believe Miss Bromerica is going to freeze in that sundress.
7. She has tan legs.
Obviously, if you spend all day in cutoffs and sundresses in the endless summer of the bro country song, you’re going to develop a tan. Bro country women need these tan legs for dangling off the tailgates of truck beds, or for popping right out of the South Georgia water.
8. She has blue eyes.
Whether she’s cuttin’ right through you with her baby blues, or lettin’ the night roll with Justin Moore, the bros are always on the prowl for a blue-eyed beauty.
9. She has blonde hair.
Topping off the bro country image of the perfect woman is a thick head of long blonde hair. Because, you know, clichés have more fun.
10. She has bare feet.
You have to have bare feet so Jason Aldean can see your pretty pink toes. But if you’re more into David Nail, he likes them red. Don’t worry about all the stickers, you won’t be getting down off the tailgate anyway.
11. She loves back road driving.
Ladies love nothing more than to slide on over next to you in your truck as you drive aimlessly through the deserted back country, not talking, just listening (or singing) to the radio.
12. She has a homicidal daddy.
No woman is worth having unless she has a well-armed dad who wants to kick your ass. Because nothing says I love this woman more than life itself like a few buckshot holes in your tailgate.
13. She’ll give you an “all night kiss”.
WE KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN BY THIS BROS. We are ON to you!
14. She’s riding shotgun.
Bro country women know their place. That place is in the shotgun seat. Never driving. The bro world implodes if a woman drives the truck.
15. She loves shaking her moneymaker.
The bro country ideal woman likes to shake what her mama gave her.
She shakes it for Luke Bryan, she’s twistin’ and tearin’ up Friday nights with Thomas Rhett, she shakes it at Jake Owen in the margarita bar full of dread heads. She’s not picky about where she shakes it, either.
She shakes it on the tailgate, she shakes it on the dance floor, she shakes it on the bar, she will shake it in a car, she will shake it here or there, she will shake it everywhere.