Editor's note: This article was originally published on Nov. 11, 2016. A new poll shows that one in three Californians supports a peaceful secession from the United States. With the "Calexit" fresh on everyone's mind, we wanted to share this letter with you again.
[dropcap]H[/dropcap]eeeey, California, you got a moment? We need to talk. It's nothing bad, don't worry. First of all, sorry about the drought. Here in Texas, we know all about that. It's tough. We're glad to hear you've had wet weather and the drought is clearing up. Now that we've got your attention, though, let's have a sit-down.
We picked up a little something about you recently. Heard you're thinking of quitting the U.S. That you don't think the government represents you, and you think you'd be better off on your own. WELL. We in the Lone Star State miiight know a little bit about that. Besides, California's population is slowly draining into Texas anyway, so that makes us like family. Maybe we're not your favorite cousin, but we know a little bit about what you're talking about. So here's some advice from us to you in this, your first foray into the world of secessionism.
Okay. This election was tough. Really tough. Texans know that. Heck, our candidate didn't even make it out of the primary. Plus you live in a state where it gets really hot and dang if this hasn't been a blistering Fall so far. Heat can make anyone ornery. That election plus the heat? Forget about it. That'd make anyone want to secede.
We know that half your celebrities are moving out now anyway, and it does seem more sensible to just move the whole state. It would sure save on shipping boxes, that's for certain.
We know you're sick of climate change deniers while your state is drying up like a prune.
We know you're exasperated with the feds constantly coming in and raiding your stash at the local legal dispensary. If you don't mind us speaking your language here, that's a bummer, man.
We know all about this stuff — except the legal bud thing. Texans have been trying to secede in some capacity or other basically since we were granted statehood. It's pretty much a part of Texas culture now. We are fiercely independent, sometimes to a fault. Texans don't like when Washington pushes us around and tells us what we can and can't do. We don't want anyone telling us how to run our state. Seems like you might be getting there yourselves.
However, before you go nuclear looking for ways to float off into the Pacific, remember that no man (or state) is an island. Okay, so Hawaii is an island, but it's a metaphor, work with me here. We are the United states of America. Not the Somewhat-Stuck-Together-But-Totally-All-Hate-Each-Other-States-of-America. We are amber waves of grain and purple mountains majesty. We can't be proud of the fulfillment of manifest destiny if we lose you. Also, without most of the West Coast, it's gonna be harder to sing about "from sea to shining sea".
Besides, secessionism is our thing. Your thing is silicon valley and movie stars and environmentalism and freaking enormous trees. Let's each do what we do best. Remember what Lincoln said, "A house divided against itself cannot stand." Let's weather this together, as one nation, indivisible. In the meantime, thanks for making us look a little less crazy for wanting to get the heck outta here.
You're alright, California. We all are.
