Ever wonder what makes a person “country?”
There is a lot of talk these days about what is or isn’t country, but don’t get your overalls in a bunch frettin’ over such matters. This handy, tongue-in-cheek list will help shine the red beacon of knowledge down your neck, so you can finally define what it is to be really country.
These aren’t rules exactly, but guidelines. The true definition is, well…wide open.
25. The best concert you’ve ever been to involved bringing your own cooler and lawn chair. If said cooler was also your lawn chair, you, my friend, are a regular country festival.
24. You own more camo than Lieutenant Dan’s Surplus, making it hard to differentiate between the view from your closet door and the one from your tree stand. You are either country or actually in the Army. Don’t worry, the quality of food should settle the debate.
23. If you think the abbreviations OMG and WTF stand for “On My Grill” and “Where’s The Fritos,” you are hungry to be country.
22. If you consider the phrase “work ethics” to be an oxymoron, you’re country proud.
21. If you’ve ever answered the phone, “Hello Darlin’,” in your best Conway Twitty, you are seductively old-school country.
20. If that ain’t mud on your boots, and you don’t care you are indeed country. If that ain’t mud on your boots and you do care, stay at the drugstore next time.
19. The fact your letterman jacket was made out of blue corduroy means two things: You’re country, and that definitely was not mud on your boots.
18. If the bed of your pickup has seen way more haulin’ than dancin’, you are my kind of country.
17. When you hear the word “shine” and think moon first and sun second, you’re in thirsty country.
16. Your favorite band kicks into “Freebird,” and you hold up an actual lighter rather than a cell phone. Your country candle is indeed burning bright. But now so is your thumb after flicking your Bic for that dang long. For all that is holy, keep that flame away from the shine!
15. If the words “turn off the paved road” seem less like directions and more of a way of life, then chances are you’re country. Without a quality internet provider.
14. “I reckon y’all are fixin’ to get a lesson in country vocabulary.” — If you realize there’s nothing broken, or in need of repair in that statement, you’re already country enough to skip to number 13 on this list.
13. Fencing has nothing to do with pointy little swords and fancy white suits. It has everything to do with T-posts, barbed wire and miles of unfettered country.
12. Hankerin’ means “a powerful want to,” but be careful when you use this word. When spoken by a real countrified fellow, it’s hard to differentiate between the verb and Hank Aaron, the baseball great.
11. If you’re country, Vienna is a sausage you find on aisle 13B at Wal-Mart. It’s the capital of Austria if you’re not.
10. Of course, any word in any language can be country when spoken with the right drawl or twang or tangy drawl.
9. If the words “hey, good lookin’” are all you need to launch a sing-a-long, you are country cookin’.
8. If you catch, shoot and trap critters to take home and skin, pluck or scale for supper, you are country enough for Hank Jr. to sing about.
7. If your eye shadow is the same shade of blue as the bug zapper on your porch, you are country fried.
6. If you refer to your gal as Ol’ Lady, you are country sure enough. You are also either brave or nuttier than a squirrel turd, because even pretty little country girls know how to shoot.
5. If they played “He Stopped Loving Her Today” during any of your kinfolk’s funeral, then you don’t need anybody to fill your country shoes.
4. You, my friend, are a duke of country, if you take a speed bump way too fast and hear Waylon’s voice narrating the landing.
3. When your truck tires are twice the size of the ones beneath your house, you’re more country than a hand-dug cesspool.
2. If your Paycheck leaves you short of Cash and feeling downright Haggard, you are outlaw country for sure.
1. If you ever laid down part of your milk money on the railroad tracks to see what would happen, you are flat out country.