It’s summertime and the living is not so easy, because this is Texas. Those who thought the rainy start of summer meant we’d have a mild season are hugely disappointed. August has descended with a vengeance (as it does every year) and chased Texans indoors and onto their computers where they shared some of the most Texan tweets of the summer. Here are 22 of the best ones.
— Texas Monthly (@TexasMonthly) August 4, 2015
Because (obviously) Texans’ favorite flavor of bacon isn’t jalapeño or applewood, it’s gun oil.
Our annual stay-the-heck-away-from-the-parking-lot-at-the-mall weekend is coming. Texas sales tax holiday, 8/7-9. #thehorror
— Ross Ramsey (@rossramsey) August 3, 2015
Mr. Ramsey is referring to the annual tax-free weekend in Texas where every parent in the state does their school shopping, and unwitting non-parents sometimes get caught up in the insanity. Thanks for the warning, Ross.
I can't wait until 5sos come to Texas with their black skinny jeans and denim jackets so I can watch them drop dead from heat stroke
— bella !! (@BellaAshlynn) August 4, 2015
For those of you who aren’t teenage girls, “5sos” stands for 5 Seconds of Summer, and it’s a boy band. I did the Googling for you. You’re welcome.
So I'm native Texan but I forget, the weather does eventually get cooler at some point right?
— ヽ(⌐■_■)ノ (@WhoAteMyPizza) July 26, 2015
It gets hotter before it gets cooler
I completely shattered my phone but honestly I'm not even that mad because I'm back in Texas
— Sydney Betcher (@SydneyBetcher04) July 27, 2015
Texas heals all pain.
Dear high school football, Welcome back. Words cannot express how much we missed you. Love, Texas #txhsfb
— Dave Campbell's TF (@dctf) August 3, 2015
Texans count down to football season with more enthusiasm than Buddy the elf counting down to Christmas.
Yeah I know there is a tropical depression that's supposed to make landfall tonight/tomorrow. Me and Dad are still going fishing
— Niki (@NikiRenee14) June 15, 2015
Yeah, Bill. You’re not spoiling this Texan’s fishing trip.
I are safe in Texas much delay. Wattabyrger?
— Keegan Calmes ▼╤ (@KeeganCalmes) August 3, 2015
Yes, you are safe in Texas, sir. You will feel much better and tweet more coherently after you’ve eaten some Whataburger.
There's a guy on the Texas Rangers from Korea? Is that legal?
— Michael Ian Black (@michaelianblack) August 2, 2015
Yes, Michael Ian Black. But only because he’s from South Korea. North Korea does not allow baseball or Texas.
I may be biassed, but yes. Yes we are.
Texas. Summer. You can leave your hotel without extensive baby powder application. But you shouldn't.
— Stephen Amell (@amellywood) August 1, 2015
Baby powder ain’t gonna cut it, Stephen. You’d better stop at H-E-B and pick up some powerful deodorant.
New rule: if somebody lets you cut in, and you don't wave, you have to turn in your Texas license plates for not acting like a Texan.
— Harold Cook (@HCookAustin) August 1, 2015
It’s a rule in the Texas DPS Driver’s Handbook.
Fun Fact: the surface and the Sun and any steering wheel in a Texas car are the same temperature this time of year.
— Texas Humor (@TexasHumor) August 2, 2015
Yup. Which is why we have life hacks like this one:
This is kind of genius actually.
— Colton Buttgen (@coltonbuttgen) July 31, 2015
This is an extremely Texan picture.
money CAN buy you love. sausage and kraut kolaches are $1.69 in west, texas.
— corie leigh mckendry (@corieleigh) July 26, 2015
Corie, you’ve got a point.
If Texas ever changes the state bird, it should be a mosquito
— Ant Chapo (@SirRocObama) August 1, 2015
Wait, that’s not the state bird?
If you never fried an egg on the sidewalk are you even Texan
— Abbey Miller (@_abbeycat) July 27, 2015
Nope. It’s a state law. Once you’ve graduated from eggs you should try…
Is it really this hot in Texas? WTF pic.twitter.com/gFYB0PBuIb
— Bruh (@ImJustMeWhoYouB) July 31, 2015
Just in case you’re not hungry for eggs.
— DC (@texas_kayak) July 27, 2015
We’re with you, man.
I've been in Texas for three days and the word "y'all" is slowly creeping into my vocabulary and this is a real concern guys. @AvalonWolfe
— Bryson Perkins (@brysoncperkins) July 27, 2015
Three days is more than enough time for you to be converted to ONE OF US.
— Kylie Fournier (@KDFournier) July 27, 2015
Overheard in Texas: “There’s a cool front coming in, it’s supposed to get down into the 90’s.”