Texas is not for wimps, y’all. Texas is a tough environment to survive in, which is why it’s filled with survivors. Texans are a hardy bunch. While the rest of the nation sprinkles sugar on their Corn Flakes, Texans wake up and pour themselves a bowl of .22 caliber bullets for breakfast. Texans sleep in beds made from prickly pear cacti and drink tall glasses of tabasco instead of milk. These are indisputable facts.
Texas maintains a temperature roughly the same as the surface of the sun. Native Texans are not bothered by this since Texas children are commonly bathed in lava each night before bed, to kill any scorpions and ticks they may have picked up throughout the day.
The Texas state bird is the yellow jacket. You may not have heard of this creature of the skies, but if you show up to the Lone Star State in the summer, you’ll see them in swarms abducting squirrels and small dogs. Don’t approach the yellow jacket, unless you want to be stung to death immediately and repeatedly. Being stung to death always hurts worse each subsequent time.
In Texas, we have to work for our bacon. It doesn’t just sit there snorting at you while you turn it into pork chops, it tries really hard to turn you into human chops first. Wild hogs tend to descend upon pastures in the dead of night and devour whole cows. But Texan children are really adept at taking them out with nothing more than a bowie knife and grim determination.
You’re not in Kansas anymore. Texas tornadoes have the power to send Oz to Wonderland. Tornado season lasts roughly from January through December with a brief respite for the Christmas holidays.
Tarantulas are rampant in Texas. They are simply everywhere, they live in your front yard, in your back yard, behind books in the public library, and especially under the pillow in your bed. In 1962, Texas legislature voted unanimously to make the tarantula the official easter bunny of the state of Texas, so we make sure to paste little ears on them every year around march.
In Texas, we don’t drive slowly. We drive pretty fast. Texas speed limits are so high that your car is likely to create a sonic boom upon leaving your driveway in the morning. Wimps are not allowed on Texas roads because they would get mown down instantly.
Rattlesnakes are so prevalent in Texas that we have had to start making them work for their keep. It’s not uncommon to see a Texan wearing a rattlesnake as a belt. It becomes a bit tedious though, constantly lugging around a bunch of dead rats to feed your belt. That’s why another common Texan practice is to use a rattlesnake as the shaker in your Mariachi band.
People always talk about how big Texas mosquitos are, but their real power isn’t in their size, it’s in their ability to drain your body of blood in one sip. If you’re not careful you’ll come outside and find at least three of your guests at your outdoor cookout pale and dead from exsanguination. That’s why you always want to keep your lasso on hand to rope mosquitos when they descend upon your yard.
Texas hurricanes are scheduled on alternate days from tornadoes, so you always know how to prepare before you leave the house for the day.
Originally native to South America, fire ants like this little guy here infest every front and backyard of every Texas home by about mid-August. They’re called fire-ants because they breathe fire and will blowtorch your pets if you’re not careful.
West Texas has an environment about as lush and fertile as the surface of Venus, except with less life, water and foliage. Anyone stranded in the west Texas deserts has about 35 seconds to flag down a car before spontaneous combustion occurs.
If you thought coyotes were cute cuddly little dogs, think again. They are about as lovable as ravenous hell hounds. The piranhas of the prairie, a pack of coyotes will pick you clean in a minute flat, and then use your tibia for a toothpick.
Water Moccasins, also known as Cottonmouths, are Texas’s favorite pit viper. Every Texas swimming pool comes complete with a free water moccasin. Make sure not to use the pool skimmer when your pet water moccasin is taking a swim, because they’re liable to climb the pole and chew your arm off at the shoulder. Don’t worry about your missing arm though, you won’t live long enough to worry about having to get a prosthetic.
Another fun and friendly Texas animal is the copperhead. Copperheads are a little like water moccasins except more social, they like to slither up and hang out on your porch, just waiting for you to bend down and pick up that UPS package. Copperheads are so poisonous that they can kill you just by looking at you, so don’t make eye contact.
Brown recluse spiders don’t like it when you bother them, and they live all over Texas. Texans don’t mind them though, and instead of having water balloon fights in the summer we have brown recluse balloon fights. It takes forever to get the little buggers in the balloons and they are super mad by the time the balloon breaks, but how else are we supposed to build up a tolerance to their venom?
Other states keep dogs and cats, Texans have succeeded in domesticating the wild bobcat. Small ones are about 50 lbs, so we make sure to put them on a leash when we take them for a walk.
Black widows may scare sissies from other states, but not Texans. This spider may be spun from nightmares, but Texans eat them in our chili. No Texas chili is complete without a few black widows for spice. If you kill them first it’s cheating.
If you’re really not a cat person, you could invest in your own black bear as a pet. In Texas these wild killing machines are domesticated and used as crossing guards at the elementary schools. Do not pass the stop sign if you don’t want to get mauled.
Texas is extremely proud of our collection of Mexican Free-Tailed bats. Every summer we try to steal them from Mexico by building bat houses and leaving out bat cookies, but they leave us as soon as we get a cold snap. Bats are just fickle like that.
Texas alligators are so much bigger than any other amphibious predator anywhere else. Texas gators are roughly the size of eighteen wheelers, which is why when your big rig breaks down you can simply hitch up a gator to tow it into town.
Obviously the most badass ninja cowboy in the history of eternity would choose to rest his awesome beard in the Lone Star State. Don’t mess with Texas, or Chuck Norris will roundhouse kick your head clean off your body.