Life is too short for these 20 outrageous Pinterest projects.
The malevolent geniuses behind Pinterest pretty much own your soul, there’s no point denying it. As soon as Pinterest caught fire around 2011-ish humanity (and womankind in particular) started drooling rainbows and became inextricably glued to their devices. We were walking into telephone poles and even (GASP!) neglecting our coffee until it got cold.
Pinterest turned us all into raccoons, staring longingly at the shiny things on the screen. It doesn’t matter that you don’t have a ceiling high enough for a crystal chandelier, you’ll still pin it. It doesn’t matter that the blogs that claim you can do a project for cheaper than you can buy it all assume you hoard craft supplies as if preparing for a post-apocalyptic glitter shortage, you still really believe you can make your own reclaimed barn wood coffee table for less than $50.
As strains of Robert Palmer’s “Addicted to Love” begin to waft over your internet-addled brain, you might as well face it, you’re addicted to Pinterest. And as soon as you have the time, you’re going to compile all the required materials and assemble that pallet bookshelf, dammit. But sometimes, even Pinterest just goes too far.
Here are 20 absolutely ridiculous Pinterest projects that ain’t nobody got time for.
20. Circles Shmircles, Mommy. I Want a Pancake Shaped Like The Golden Gate Bridge.
I don’t know about y’all, but I know the first thing I always say to myself when I wake up in the morning is, “How can I over-complicate breakfast this morning?”.
19. On Dasher! On Dancer! On…My To-Do List
If you’re wanting this manicure for the holidays, you’d better start around…March.
18. Hallmark is for Wimps
I know everyone normally throws away birthday cards as soon as they read them, but you’ll keep this one forever, right? RIGHT?!?
17. Peanut Butter and Aw Hell Naw Sandwich
So you’ve burned your bread to a charcoal consistency and color, huh? Not to worry, just shove it in your kid’s lunchbox cut into a batman shape along with some bat-shaped veggies for a time-consuming lunch they won’t eat or appreciate!
16. Homemade Bioré Strips…Seems Legit
Why pay $7 for something that’s been developed by dermatologists and tested in laboratories when I can smear this goop on my face? A blonde chick on the Internet says it works, so I foresee no way this can go wrong.
15. Take the Pop Out of the Tart
OMG I have the BEST idea! Let’s completely defeat the purpose of Pop-Tarts by making them from scratch! Who says home-cooked breakfasts have to be nutritious?
14. Beat the Easter Bunny at His Own Game
Sure, you could just go pick up some Easter decorations at Target, but why mingle with the peasantry when you can painstakingly jab straight pins through the microscopic holes in the center of individual sequins all over the surface of a styrofoam egg? …Again and again and again until you have enough to make a nest? I don’t need sleep, I NEED SEQUIN EGGS.
13. What is This and Why is it Even Necessary?
Y’all, the dollar store sells bows by the dozen, already tied, for a dollar, but if that’s simply to pedestrian for you, feel free to undertake this masterpiece of folly.
12. Whatever Happened to a Simple French Braid?
Can we blame Lady Gaga for this craziness? You can just put a bow in your hair, your hair doesn’t have to BE the bow…ah forget it. Just make sure you wake up at least four hours early to achieve this springtime inspired style.
11. Holy iPhone Case, Batman!
Folks, it’s time we discuss how to DIY responsibly. Just because you can do it yourself, doesn’t mean you should. Some things should definitely be left to the professionals, lest we end up with a phone case that resembles a potato made of pearls.
10. Didn’t We Learn This in First Grade?
Because, you know, lacing your shoes so they tie at the top is too mainstream. Click here for more convoluted ways to overcomplicate this simplest of tasks.
9. What’s Next? Homemade Skittles?
Why would you want to simply open a package when you could spend hours to make your own candy bar?! Sign me up!
8. Next Time, Bring Potato Salad.
I can only imagine the conversation here.
“Okay Julie, you’re in charge of fruit salad for the potluck.”
“But I want you to serve the fruit salad in a hollowed out watermelon.”
“Oh…kay, I think I can do that.”
“And just one more thing, I need you to turn the watermelon into a clipper ship.”
7. How About You Just Read the Book?
How about some book origami?! How about no.
6. Holy Mother of Pantry
Nothing says “No one really lives in this house” like a pantry so organized it could give an OCD sufferer a migraine. You’ve got time to do all this right? Time to pour all your crackers and cereal into matching plastic containers all individually labeled with hand-punched chalkboard paint labels? Hand me that chalk marker and pay no attention to my eye-twitch.
5. Yay, More Straight Pins!
In case you didn’t get enough of intricate crafting using sharp instruments at Easter, never fear, there’s always Halloween! Rather than sequins, this spiderweb pumpkin uses <wait for it> seed beads! This project is perfect for when your pumpkin requires a real human blood sacrifice, because there’s no way you’re not going to stab yourself a few times with those pins while trying to hold the microscopic beads in place.
4. Reduce, Reuse, and Re…What the Hell is That?
IS THAT A CHAIN MAIL PURSE MADE FROM SODA-TABS?! I have been looking everywhere for instructions to make one of those! Said no one, ever.
3. Bringing New Meaning to “Reading Rainbow”
This must be the top result for the Google search: “Wildly inefficient ways to categorize books”.
2. See a Penny, Pick it Up, Re-do the Flooring.
A penny saved is…yet another to add to the back-breaking remodel we’ve undertaken. Pass the muscle relaxers.
1. The Loneliest Craft Ever
Well, let’s see now; I’ve knitted sweaters for all my grandkids, my dog, my four cats and the mailman. What to do now?
…That tree looks cold.