Living in Texas is the best. Don’t believe me? Just ask any Texan. Still, no paradise is without its quirks, and Texas’s quirks can make life here, well, interesting. If you don’t understand these 18 problems Texans have, just ask a Texan to explain them to you.
18. Coveted parking spots in the summer are shady, not close.
Parking in the summer in Texas is all about where you can find the best shade. So if you have to park a mile away from your destination and hoof it on foot all the way, dripping sweat like a pig in heat, you’ll do it to avoid having to get into the oven that your car will be when you return.
17. Texans or Cowboys?
The eternal conflict amongst Texans. Things can get pretty heated in this debate.
16. Clothing stores always sell the wrong season for Texas.
National branded clothing stores in Texas start putting scarves and long sleeves in store windows in September, when it’s still 90 degrees outside. They don’t put summer clothes back out until May, when it’s already been 90 degrees for two months.
15. No one knows how to drive in the rain.
There are two types of people: nearsighted grandmas, and irate Hell bats.
14. No one knows how to drive in the snow.
One basic rule for driving in the snow or ice in Texas: don’t.
13. No one knows how to drive, PERIOD.
Seriously guys. What is this? Figure it out, please.
12. Forgetting to wear gloves when slicing peppers.
And then wiping your brow, or (scary music plays) changing your contact lenses.
11. Tortilla chips that are too thin.
This is the bane of a Texan’s existence, and yes, Ellen was a Texan.
10. Election season when Texas becomes the butt of every political joke.
Much like a big brother who reserves the sole rights to making fun of his younger brother, only Texans are allowed to lampoon Texas politicians. They may be idiots, but they’re OUR idiots, dammit.
9. When your team comes THIS CLOSE to winning state.
All you can do is just hang your head and cry and hope someone eventually turns a best-selling book about your school into a movie, and then a TV series a la Friday Night Lights.
8. Tornado season.
A tornado warning always has us walking the line between seeking shelter and going outside to see if we can catch sight of it.
7. Hurricane season.
Time to pack up your whole house in the car and go sit on I-10 for 14 hours.
6. Indecisive weather.
Don’t forget to bring a poncho and a sweater to the Fourth of July party, because Texas.
5. Mild salsa (WHY?!)
Get this flavorless crap away from me. If you can’t handle el calor, get out of la cocina.
4. The “fast” lane.
The left lane is the PASSING lane, and it’s for passing! Not for camping out and regulating the speed of the other drivers. Unless you’re a police officer, in which case carry on, good sir or madam.
3. Speed traps.
Like the one on Highway 71 between Austin and Houston that drops to 55 from 75 for about a quarter mile? Watch out y’all, they’re serious about those signs.
2. You can actually be burned by your own car.
So you didn’t get a shady spot? Hope you have some hot pads in your car to buckle your seatbelt. If you have leather upholstery, get ready to be spot-welded to your seat.
1. Dealing with stereotypes.
No, we are not horse-abusing, cud-chewing, sheep-molesting neanderthals. Thanks for asking, though!