Entertainment

Hilarious One-Star Yelp Reviews of Texas Landmarks and Institutions

Ah, Yelp. The last vestiges of truth in an increasingly apathetic world of monolithic corporations. Yelp has kept businesses honest since 2004. But you can’t please all the people all the time. From these one-star Yelp reviews, it’s obvious that there are some people who can’t be pleased.

These vindictive and scathing reviews have found their usefulness, however, in comedic fodder for your reading pleasure. So if you want to know which Texas landmark should be chopped up and made into kitchen countertops, and which is second only to watching your money swirl around the inside of a toilet bowl, read on.

The Alamo – San Antonio

Y’all, the Alamo is in the middle of downtown San Antonio. We can’t move it to accommodate more parking. It has been there for over a hundred years. It ain’t moving. So, just like you can’t find RV parking in Manhattan, don’t expect to find it in front of the Alamo.

Flickr/Nan Palmero
Flickr/Nan Palmero

alamo

“I was traveling across the country in an RV. I’ve wanted to visit the Alamo for twenty years. On a hunch, I called the Alamo and asked about parking for RVs. I was quite rudely told that there is no parking for any vehicles anywhere near the Alamo. I again asked where I could park. The rep couldn’t have been much ruder. She said she had no idea; that I would have to figure it out for myself. I begged her to give me some advice, and she refused. Apparently, the Alamo has all of the visitors they ever want. I crossed San Antonio and the Alamo off my list and won’t every try again. Very poor customer service. Apparently you need to drive to San Antonio somewhere else, then take a cab; I don’t know.”

Barton Springs Pool – Austin

Bet y’all didn’t know that swimming at Barton Springs is the same as having a Fascist regime lording it over your lungs and liver. I know I didn’t.

Flickr/Kelly the Deluded
Flickr/Kelly the Deluded

barton

“Sorry to be the one with a bad review on this place but I have a few, small COMPLAINTS. First and foremost, NO SMOKING. That’s right, no smoking. Last time I checked, we were OUTSIDE in the FREE AIR but the Barton Springs Nazis decided hey, let’s make all the smokers miserable and not allow them to light up in the outdoors. As if this weren’t bad enough, no drinking either. If I am going to spend a day relaxing, by golly let me have a freaking cold beer while I do it! I already paid to get into this place and now I can’t smoke, I can’t drink, I am pissed off. The pool is wonderful, love the temperature, the peeps are nice and fun to look at but Jesus…where’s the FREEDOM? I’d drive a little farther where my lungs and liver weren’t so inhibited, somewhere like Hamilton Pool, Krausy Spring even Lake Travis…

Sorry–but this place = no good.” 

The Kemah Boardwalk – Kemah

CHILDREN?!? At a carnival boardwalk?!? THE HORROR! Who let this happen?! We’re looking at YOU, Landry’s!

Flickr/Todd Carr
Flickr/Todd Carr

KEMAH“Behold, the horror of what Landry’s has done here. What was once a quiet and nestled little place where only THOSE IN THE KNOW could enjoy the Kemah area and then shop nearby and was a hidden gem has turned into a place where there are so many rugrats running around, it is impossible to enjoy an adult day out. 

If tourist trap crap is up your alley, then you will not be disspoainted.  The overpiced chain food readily available does no justice to the fact that Kemah is populated with great restaurants not in the chain category _go under the bridge and across to the better restautan opposite the boardwalk for a real surf-n-turf meal). 

Kemah Boardwalk, you have turned the greatness of Kemah into a joke.  And you did so in touristy style. What once was a great little stop is now on the list of things that the suburban masses have overridden with out-of-control children and too much noise.”

The Tower of the Americas – San Antonio

The Tower of the Americas is Texas’s answer to Seattle’s Space Needle, or, for the more adventurous, Las Vegas’s Stratosphere Hotel and Casino. It was built in 1968 and is apparently now holding visitors hostage on the observation deck. No word yet as to whether or not these folks have given up on the elevator and resorted to hang-gliding down to Hemisfair Park.

toweroftheamericas.com
toweroftheamericas.com 

SPACE-2 “Pointless, the view is pretty lame because San Antonio just isn’t much to look  at.  You will also have to wait in a line to take the elevator down and they only seem to be able to get 4 people on at a time because their are morons running the thing.  We are currently 25 minutes into our captivity. “

AT&T Stadium – Arlington

For the uninitiated, this is where the Dallas Cowboys play. It replaced the now-demolished Texas Stadium in Irving. This Yelp user found the aesthetics less than pleasing. One wonders how they affect the football game.

Wikimedia Commons
Wikimedia Commons

dallas“Forget about the logistical nightmares and price-gouging for a minute: Let’s talk about the aesthetics. This is possibly the tackiest architecutral structure in US history, and that’s saying something. It looks like one of those plastic soap dishes that have a lid. The giant screen is a gargantuan parody of a “live, you are there” sports event. The second-tier cheerleaders dancing on those raised platforms looks like something out of a 12 year old’s fantasy. The “artistic” touch scattered throughout would make Liberace gag. I could go on, but why bother? Too many people are overawed by the size of this place, so much so that they can’t see the obvious; it’s a big cheezy dump.”

The Dixie Chicken – College Station

What stinks worse, the music or the bathrooms? Because I left my rubber waders at home.

Flickr/Ed Schipul
Flickr/Ed Schipul

chicken“This place may have been great back in the day, but that was then. Now? Slow bartenders, slow kitchen staff, rude management.  The place is literally falling apart, you would think with the ridiculous prices on everything that they would have some money for a few basic repairs. Don’t bother walking in the bathroom unless you have on rubber waders, otherwise you’ll want to leave your shoes at the front door of your house when you get home.. I won’t even go into the music situation, I’m pretty sure that when George Jones asked “who’s gonna fill their shoes” he didn’t ever anticipate it being Kenny Chesney.”

South Padre Island

I don’t know about dog-friendly restaurants, but the folks on South Padre Island are definitely smoking something.

South-Padre-Island

south-padre “I’m wondering if those folks who said there are dog friendly restaurants in South Padre are smoking something or if that only applies in the summer- I called four restaurants that are on the “dog friendly” list and they thought I was weird for asking.” 

Big Bend National Park – Big Bend

A stinky girlfriend and the wildlife didn’t do circus tricks?!? No wonder this Yelper was disgruntled! Thanks, Obama.

big-bend1-793x526 big-bend

“My girlfriend and I decided to drive all the way accross Texas overnight to get there right as the visitor center in the Chisos Basin was opening to get backcountry permits since it was the first one to open and we wanted to get some good campsites. When we arrived, we were told they were not issuing permits there because they didn’t have any gas or electricity. They didn’t expect to get any electricity for at least half a week. Have you ever camped with a woman for half a week where there is no available warm running water anywhere? They start to stink. And complain. And to top it off we never got to see any bears of mountain lions. You’d think with a park that size and such low populations of those critters they could train them to hang out 100 yards or so from the trails and stuff, but apparently our governments is too incompetent to even pull off some basic services. Thanks a lot Obama.”

Blue Hole – Wimberley

It’s so sad that grown women feel the need to wear bikinis to go swimming, not to mention all the bending over and sunning and spreading out? …Somehow, I think this review might actually work in Blue Hole’s favor.

Flickr/Robert Thigpen
Flickr/Robert Thigpen

big-bend

“I went to this place last year before it opened and started charging 8 bucks a person. It’s a small little area. It was pretty when no one was there, but I took my kids this week and it was so sad that grown women feel the need to basically be naked here. It’s not a big area, so the women who are in teeny bikinis sunning with their bottoms up are pretty obvious, as are the ones that have hardly anything on their tops and are just spread out sunning. then, you have to see them bending over to go down the ladders along the creek. Really? Who wants to see different shaped women bending over like that showing the areas where the sun don’t shine? i really don’t want all this in my pre-teen son’s face. My teen daughter was grossed out and refused to get in. She quietly waited on a rock. We left after 20 minutes. It’s too bad a small town like Wimberley can’t have a nice, discreet old-fashioned hole where kids and grown ups still wear shorts and one doesn’t have to walk around with their eyes having to look down.”

Texas State Capitol – Austin

WHAT. They SEARCH people entering a state house?! I wonder why. Cough. 9/11. Cough. Assassinations. Cough. Angry protestors. Oh sorry I just have this cough. The State Troopers definitely owe her a drink after such a harrowing ordeal. Hashtag sarcasm.

The Capitol Building in Austin Texas with colorful flower beds in the foreground lit up by street lights as the sun sets and a cloudy sky grows dark as dusk. ** Note: Visible grain at 100%, best at smaller sizes

capitol

“It started with the employee who was holding the front door open taking care of some task involving a screw driving letting it shut in my face when I was about a foot away. Really, Texas State employee, couldn’t have held onto that door another two seconds?

Then came the security check point where my dad was instructed to take off his belt and empty his pockets of everything including one penny. They asked me to take off my “jacket” which was actually a cardigan, and I had to show them I had nothing but a tank top on underneath to be able to keep it on. Then, of course, the metal detector beeped on me, so a surley security last gave me some gruff orders while the people in line behind me guessed at which of my articles of clothing of mine was setting metal off. The culmination was being instructed to lift the back of my shirt _aren’t you going to buy me a drink first?) before I was allowed to enjoy the splendor and glory of the capitol.”

NASA Space Center – Houston

Because the last trip to Uranus was pretty uninspiring.

Flickr/Rach
Flickr/Rach

SPACE1

“Coming from the space coast this tour was if anything lack luster. Very limited attraction, over priced (hope my $2.509 for a small bottle of water helps fund the next trip to Uranus. Save your money and go to Cape Canaveral, Florida. 

Great for very small kids. My 13yo did not enjoy this place.”

The Sixth Floor Museum at Dealey Plaza – Dallas

Bet you’ve never heard this Kennedy conspiracy theory.

Wikimedia Commons
Wikimedia Commons

JFK

“This museum convinced me that there is a conspiracy in the Kennedy assassination.  And it’s making $16 per person. 

Think about it, though, all the evidence is there.  They, take an emotionally charged event that happenstance made take place in a pretty ho-hum city, have a bunch of people with PhDs go on TB and talk about how they know better than everyone else (must have been hard to convince them), throw a few black-and-white photos on the wall and BAM.  You have the Sixth Floor Conspiracy Museum.  It’s genius. 

I’ll sum up the museum: 3 minutes of the  ’60s being tubulent, 5 minutes of inspirational JFK quotes and a couple hours of pseudo-forensics.  Really.  Half the museum is dedicated to sentences that start with “Some Americans believe…”

JFK would probably be rolling in his grave, if he weren’t worried that Dallas would start charging admission to see it.”

Enchanted Rock – Fredericksburg

I don’t know how it is possible to mismanage a giant boulder, but dammit someone needs to be fired.

Flickr/Timothy J
Flickr/Timothy J

enchanted-rock

“More like disenchanting rock. Let this be a warning to anyone foolhardy enough to consider risking a 2 hour drive to this mismanaged, overcrowded rock. Don’t even bother, unless you are fully prepared to be turned away at the gates. 

I say chop it up into kitchen countertops. I want my day and gas money back.”

East Beach – Galveston

Yup. Don’t bother with that day trip to Galveston. Just hop on a plane to Cancun instead. That’s doable, right? You’ve got that kind of time and money spilling out of your pockets and filling up the road behind you as you drive away from the trauma that is Galveston?

bigstock-Spectacular-Seabrook-Sunrise-2521081

galveston

“Gross gross gross.

I’ve been to some of the best beaches in the world but I came to galveston with an open mind and a cooler full of drinks and snacks for a fun day at the beach.

Driving toward the beach the roads were flooded and we were worried about our car getting stuck. We made it… For better or worse.

The first thing my husband said was “eww it smells nasty here”. It did! Maybe it was all the dead crabs in the sand? Or the giant puddles of still standing water?

There was no parking attendant but the road leading to the main parking was flooded, only trucks were making it through. We lugged our stuff all the way to the beach and realized that there was no one to set up umbrellas and chairs. No idea why!

The thought of sitting out in the sun all day and burning is not appealing to us so we lugged everything back and used our bottled water to wash the sand off our feet.

Call me a brat… Call me spoiled… But I won’t be returning to any of the beaches in galveston.

I had to look at pictures of our honeymoon to the Maldives to get over how traumatized I was after visiting this place!

Just go to cancun instead!  

Perot Museum of Nature and Science – Dallas

Well, now you know folks. You could spend an afternoon learning, or you could just watch the Coriolis Effect wash your $40 down to Australia.

Wikimedia Commons
Wikimedia Commons

last

“I went to the inside out animal exhibit .. it was really bad … i could’ve flushed my money down the toilet, it would have been more fun.”

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Hilarious One-Star Yelp Reviews of Texas Landmarks and Institutions