Homecoming mums are a proud Texas tradition. The giving and receiving of mums can be traced back for decades to when it was a literal chrysanthemum corsage given to one’s date on Homecoming. It’s safe to say that things have changed since then. Far from being a real, live flower with tasteful ribbons draped beneath it, mums are now bright, noisy mumstrosities. Some girls have even eschewed the traditional pin for a literal harness to be able to affix the flower to their bodies. So, since mums are getting bigger and bigger each year, here are some ideas of what to put on your mum this year.
10. A full-sized football.
What are those tiny plastic things useful for, really? Nothing. But if you happen to have a deflate-gate scandal at your school, you could totally step in and save the day by lending the team the pigskin from your mum. Not that you’d do that, because obviously it would ruin the aesthetic.
9. The license plate from your car.
You might get ticketed for this so be sure to ride with your friends on Homecoming. Just tie one of the two license plates from your car to your mum so people know you drive now. And also, how to report you to the police if your mum runs over someone. Or heck, maybe use the steering wheel as mum decor if you won’t be driving your car anyway.
8. A burrito.
You never know when you might get hungry. Football games don’t always have substantial food. Prepare in advance by adding a steaming hot burrito to your mum.
7. Your boyfriend.
He’s going to be carrying it for you anyway when your arms get tired, so might as well just make him a permanent addition to your mum. Just don’t forget to either release him after homecoming or feed him occasionally when you pin the mum to your bedroom wall. Don’t let him eat your burrito.
6. A train horn.
Right, like you’re going to have some rinky-dink noise maker. Not on your awesome mum. NO. You need an air-powered horn that can wake the dead. Or just blast the eardrums of everyone around you. What better way to quickly get to the front of the ticket line? Or the bathroom line, or really to just create a huge bubble of personal space. Don’t forget ear plugs, you wouldn’t want to burst your own ear drums.
5. The actual instrument you play in band.
Sure, you could put a cutesy little plastic clarinet on there, but if you’re marching anyway, why not march with your mum on? You simply disentangle it from the acres of ribbons and start playing! This may be more difficult for those with larger instruments. Hope you don’t play the kettle drums or the tuba.
4. Enough fake mums to smother a florist.
Back in the day it was just one mum, but that’s not enough now. If your mum doesn’t contain enough fake flowers to decimate the silk crops in China then you’re just not doing it right.
3. Carrie Underwood.
Remember last year when that one girl from your English class had the mum that played music? Won’t she be jealous this year.
2. Literally, the sun.
Some mums light up, but yours will light up the earth! And also incinerate you and your school and everyone on earth but hey, it’s Homecoming.
1. Maybe just some ribbons, okay?
Or you could just have a nice flower with a few ribbons. Your choice.