Here we are, in late July, and mutterings about Fall have already begun. Texas has always been known for heat. Texans themselves are well adjusted to surviving in hell-hot temperatures. And Texas summers tend to raise the mercury until the temperatures near those of the surface of the sun. Even though we can survive it, that doesn’t mean we like it. Once we’ve gotten past the Fourth of July, Texans are pretty much done with the heat. Unfortunately, the heat is never done with us that early.
The hottest recorded temperature in Texas was in 1936 in Seymour, Texas, when it got up to 120 degrees. In August of 1975, Harry Hurt III had enough and wrote an article for Texas Monthly claiming that Texas is the hottest place to live in the world. Whether or not that’s true, the heat does regularly rise well into the triple digits each year. Though we have had a milder than average summer due to the increased rainfall this year, that couldn’t stop the heat entirely. And now we’re all dreaming of a cooler time. With any luck, Fall should saunter in around late November, after it’s done turning the rest of the nation pretty colors of red and yellow. Then it will sit down, have a beer, and turn our trees brown, and lower our thermometers slightly just in time for Thanksgiving.
According to Weather.com, heat kills more people each year than any other weather-related death, and Texas started in on the triple digits in June this year, and they’re likely to continue through next month. While we’re stuck in the heat, though, let’s have a laugh at least. Using the unique vernacular of the Lone Star State, here are 10 things that a Texas Summer is hotter than.
Hotter than the hinges of Hades gates.
This one is for those of us too polite to say H-E double hockey sticks.
Hotter than a fur coat in Marfa.
Y’all may think this is just a saying but the gals at Design Love Fest took this phrase seriously when they visited the West Texas art community this year.
Hotter than two rats in a wool sock.
We may or may not have deleted an explicit verb from the middle of this saying.
Hotter than a $2 pistol.
Welcome to Texas where we have a gun metaphor for every occasion.
Hotter than the devil’s backside.
That’s pretty dang hot, y’all.
Hotter than two ticks on a hound dog.
They’re probably doing the same thing the rats in the wool sock are doing.
Hotter than blue blazes.
That’s right. Blazes can be blue, and still hot.
Hotter than a cat on a hot tin roof.
Obviously we need a cat if we’ve got rats and dogs.
Hotter than a billy goat with a blowtorch.
Don’t mess with Texas billy goats.
And, last but not least…
Hotter than a jalapeño fart.
Anyone who has eaten tex-mex knows this feeling.